Intimate Talk

While having spontaneous sex is fun and you should take advantage of it as often as possible, it's not exactly realistic for most couples.

We know, media and movies would make you think otherwise — that sex is always a passionate, impulsive act. But in reality, the daily stressors of life can wreak havoc on sleep and busy schedules can make sex feel like it's not a priority. For this reason, it is so important to plan sex for you and your partner.

"We surveyed over 1,000 dating, partnered and married respondents to see how they're approaching modern romance and sex as part of The Knot 2024 Relationship & Intimacy Study,” a recent Knot article says, “Within our findings, we found that most couples aren't scheduling sex at all.”

But they should. Of course, we get that planning sex can maybe feel unromantic (or even embarrassing) at first — these insecurities are totally normal. But here’s the dirty little secret everyone should know: Planning sex is a great way for you (and your relationship) to get even better than it is now.

6 ways scheduling sex with your partner help your relationship

1. Scheduling sex improves the likelihood of impromptu fun over time

Routine is important in maintaining balance in our lives as it increases the likelihood of completing tasks by building them into a habit. The same goes for sex; if you haven’t been having it regularly, it can feel daunting to get the ball rolling again. Making an effort to keep sex as part of your weekly routine helps build and maintain momentum.

According to The Knot, their intimacy study found that nearly a quarter of all couples are either extremely dissatisfied or extremely satisfied with their sex lives.

“Sure, penciling in (or, in this day and age, sending a calendar invite for) sex sounds, well, straight-up unsexy,” they say, “But it's a necessity for some and can even bring the spark back for others.”

2. It builds anticipation

Knowing that you’re coming home to a lovemaking session can boost desire. Making it an intentional date also means you’re more likely to treat the event as the prized experience that it is. Take time to relish in some pre-sex prep by taking a luxurious bath, putting on your favorite lingerie, wearing foreplay jewelry or making a special meal with wine before your session.

3. It can promote connectedness and communication

No surprise here, talking about sex and fantasies can be a little tricky, but there’s a lot of research that proves how important it is. Discussing fantasies is the first step to getting your desires fulfilled and increases sexual pleasure. Discussing sensitive topics, like sex, also boosts connectedness and confidence in your relationship.

4. Your needs are being met

Sexual unfulfillment is a common complaint in long-term relationships. While it may sound unromantic, having a number of “bare minimums” for having sex makes sure that sex is happening and that both partners are having their needs fulfilled.

It also can reduce resentment by ensuring that both partners are prioritizing sex in their relationship. It is not uncommon for two people to have different libidos, so work together to compromise so that both people can realistically schedule sex into their schedule.

5. Numerous health benefits

In addition to feeling incredible, having regular sex can help reduce pain, alleviate symptoms of mental illness (especially depression), boost cardiovascular strength, and even lengthen your life. One J Health Soc Behavioral study even found that a high frequency of sex is positively related to a later risk of cardiovascular events.

6. Practice makes perfect

You can’t be great at something unless you do it over and over and the same goes for sex. Being able to experiment with new techniques and perfect the ones you’re already great at will make you a better lover and make you and your partner feel more satisfied.

Listen: long gone are the days of thinking that anal play is taboo. Now, more than ever, folks across the U.S. are beginning to explore their sexual pleasure and desires in new-for-them ways. And when it comes to anal play, there is one not-so-new term that’s taking flight — and that’s anal surfacing. 

According to a recent study from Future Method, the average American engages in a little backdoor play about twice per month— that’s way more than one might think, right? It’s true, though. Overall, 72% have tried at least one form of butt play in their lives, including this seemingly trendy new way of exploring.

“Anal surfacing is when stimulating the anus sexually by touching the sphincter and the area around in any way that feels great,” sexologist and relationship therapist Sofie Roos tells Bloomi, “Such as with your fingers or the tip of a vibrator, dildo or a penis.”

Lucky for you, if you’re interested in trying out anal surfacing for yourself, experience deeper orgams and want to go beyond vanilla sex, we’ve recruited the expertise of Roos to give you the top-notch knowledge on this bottoms-up trend, below.

What is anal surfacing, really?

Unlike other forms of anal play, anal surfacing is just like it sounds. It explores the surface of the anus without feeling the need to go inside.

“Anal surfacing is always about stimulating outside, not inside, and this can be done as foreplay before anal sex or vaginal sex, as the main play or as a complement to vaginal sex or masturbation,” Roos says, “Since there’s plenty of nerves around the sphincter that when being stimulated feels extremely good and make you turned on if done right.”

How common is anal play among all genders?

Anal play is actually very common among all genders and sexualities — even though it’s a common misconception that it’s primarily among gay men and women.

Folks across the spectrum can enjoy anal play since the anus is an erogenous zone, and it’s one body part we all have. Anal surfacing can be a way to receive a lot of pleasure during sex or even solo sessions. Plus, it can be viewed as “main act” or as supporting pleasure making the other stimulation more enjoyable.

What are some important tips to know before trying anal surfacing?

According to Roos, Sisce anal surfacing isn’t about entering the anus, you don’t need to prepare in any one way, but she did recommend these three tips before trying it out, below.

1. Make sure to be clean

The most important tip, Roos says, is none other than making sure you (or your partner) are clean around the sphincter. All this requires is no more than a regular shower. 

This is to prevent any bacteria from being spread around and make it an enjoyable, safe experience for everyone. Plus, consider trimming your nails to not irritate the sensitive area.

2. Take things slow

Another tip, though, is to remember to take things slowly. Generally, go softer and slower than you think is necessary, and then you can build it up from there!

3. Use lube

Even though anal surfacing doesn’t involve penetration, it’s still a great idea to use lube whenever you’re doing anal play. We recommend our Smooth Water-Based Lube ($15) for the best slip-and-slide.

How can you tell your partner you’re curious about it?

Lastly, how can you tell your partner you’re into trying anal surfacing together? 

“You should ask your partner if they’d like to try something new that includes the anus during sex, and if they say yes, tell them that you’d like to try anal surfacing and explain what it is,” Roos suggests.

If you’re in the heat of the moment, you can also ask if they’d be OK with you touching them there, and if they say yes, you can explore it together. 

What are some fun, exploratory ways to try it out?

Now, you’re ready to try anal surfacing out for yourself. But what ways are best when you first do it? Here are some recommendations for the first time:

• Add some lube on your finger and play around your sphincter in the way that feels best, preferably by using your index finger when lying in the missionary, on your stomach with a pillow under your hips or while standing in doggystyle at the same time as you're stimulating another erogenous zone such as the nipples.

• If you’re about to stimulate a partner, then you can do it both during the foreplay as a complement to whatever you’re doing. For example, if you’re giving them a blow job or licking their pussy, you can stimulate their sphincter at the same time.

• Anal surfacing can also feel amazing during penetrative sex — even in missionary or doggy.

Let’s go lesbians! And of course, all other WLW couples, and folks with vulvas who want to add some extra spice to their sex sessions — we’ve got just the thing for you. When it comes to sex positions and how to integrate toys into your play, we know a thing or two. Whether you’re looking for you’re looking for new lesbian sex positions, you want to plan a sex session or add a new toy to add to your bedside table, look no further. Enter: Indulge.

You’re not the only WLW couple looking for a new sex toy. One Reddit user even said,“ I prefer a double-sided strap-on with vibrations so both parties are having fun. That being said, double-sided/“wearable” strap-ons don’t just hold themselves in there unless your kegel game is on point 😂”

If this is you, you’ll love Indulge. Here’s why (and some sexy lesbian sex positions to try with it) below.

What is Indulge?

The Indulge Double-Sided Vibrator is a powerful, flexible device ranked by Women's Health Magazine as the #1 vibrator for partner and solo play. 

Enjoy one non-vibrating and one vibrating side, both great for vaginal and anal use including G-spot and P-spot pleasure.

Explore our product guides for sexologist-approved tips on how to use this intimate essential. Build an intimate routine with the Essentials Bundle featuring all of our essentials.

Product Features

• 3 vibration intensities + patterns 

• Made with waterproof medical-grade silicone

• USB-rechargeable with 1 hr of continuous use

• Compatible with water-based lubricants

• Travel-friendly mode

• Dimensions:  7.6” L x 2.25” W x 1.2” H

3 lesbian (or queer) sex positions to try with Indulge

Hey, we’re all about inclusivity here. Whether you’re bisexual, lesbian, gay or you’re a vulva-haver somewhere else on the sexuality spectrum, these lesbian (or WLW) sex positions are perfect for using a double-sided vibe.

1. The Tub Snug

Who doesn’t love some watery fun? Not only is the Tub Snug romantic, but it makes for close (and sexy) play.

How to do the position: The Tub Snug is just like it sounds. Sit it in the tub and have your lover sit in between your legs or on your lap with their legs spread. You can reach your arm over them and touch, caress and make them go crazy.

How to use Indulge in this position: For this one, you can use Indulge on your lover, using the vibration on their clit and vulva, or you can put it inside them. If they’re sitting on your lap, you can even use the back and forth between you two.

2. Yin and Yang

Maybe considered the classic WLW sex position, the Yin and Yang is simply scissoring.

How to do the position: Situate your bodies together so that your vulvas are touching. Think of the way the yin meets the yang — that’s it. You can grind and rub on each other in this position (but don’t forget the lube!) We like Smooth water-based lube.

How to use Indulge in this position: The indulge is double-sided, making it the perfect addition for this position, because you can insert both ends into each of you, or place it in the middle and both grind on the vibrating ends together.

3. Have a ball

Next up, we have the ball. If you’re into giving, this one is for you.

How to do the position: Have your partner lay on their back and curl their legs up toward their chest. From there, you’ve got insane access to their most private parts. Lick, kiss, use your fingers, and yes, even a toy. Make them feel worshipped.

How to use Indulge in this position: With Indulge, when you have your partner in this position, you can use either end on them. Hover the vibration over their clit or try your hand at anal surfacing. You can also try penetrative fun, insert either the G-spot side inside or the P-spot side while you lick and suck and kiss at the same time. Ask for what they’d like and go from there.

The mind-body connection can have a huge impact on sexual wellness – and researchers have just uncovered how it can affect women experiencing menopause. It turns out, going to therapy can be a game-changer during this natural yet often challenging change. 

A new study explored the effectiveness of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), one of the most widespread forms of psychotherapy,  in addressing various sexual health concerns related to menopause. The results were promising, with a unanimous 100% of participants reporting that CBT helped them manage their symptoms more effectively. 

“These findings are significant because menopause can often be overlooked in mental health, though it profoundly affects both psychological and physical wellness,” says Dr. Max Riv, clinical psychologist at the Love Discovery Institute. 

Here is what you need to know about the important role CBT can play in menopause care – in and out the bedroom. 

How menopause can interfere with intimacy 

Even though menopause is often associated with symptoms like hot flashes and mood swings, it can wreak havoc on a woman’s ability to be sexually active and enjoy intimacy. First, there’s the fact that it’s a significant life change that can bring on complex emotions related to aging and mortality. 

Also, according to the researchers behind the study mentioned above, several women report a decrease in desire, pain during intercourse and overall dissatisfaction as they go through menopause. 

While these issues can be attributed to a decline in estrogen levels – hello, vaginal dryness – they can have a profound effect on a woman’s psychological well-being. When your sexual function suffers, so can your self-esteem, body image, and emotional state. 

You may feel shame about the fact that your libido has disappeared. You may feel less desirable because of societal conditioning and ideas around youth and fertility. 

How CBT can improve sex during menopause 

To explore the impact of CBT on these struggles, the study had participants go through a four-session individual therapy protocol focused on improving sexual function and addressing concerns around desire, arousal, pain and satisfaction. 

The researchers also assessed the effects of CBT on body image, relationship satisfaction and other menopause symptoms such as hot flashes, depression and anxiety. 

Not only did the participants report significant improvements across various areas of sexual function, but they also experienced increased relationship satisfaction and body image and decreased menopause symptoms, including depression and anxiety.  

Considering that the University of Michigan’s National Poll on Healthy Aging revealed that one in four women aged 50-80 said that menopause symptoms interfered with their ability to have sex, these insights are important. 

As Riv notes, hormone treatments and other physical interventions are often the first line of treatment offered to women who feel comfortable enough discussing their symptoms with their healthcare provider (only 44% of respondents in the National Poll on Healthy Aging reported doing so). “Many view menopause solely as a physiological process, so the psychological aspects like stress, low self-esteem, and mood swings often go untreated,” says Riv. 

Mental health support like CBT isn’t emphasized, but it’s crucial and could even eliminate the need for further intervention in some cases. 

CBT offers women tools to reshape any negative thought patterns they may be experiencing around menopause, manage anxiety and communicate effectively with their partners, adds Riv. 

Sometimes that is all it takes to revive your sex life – and perhaps even liberate you to have the best sex yet, menopause and all. 

(PS Bloomi features intimacy essentials specially formulated to cater to those experiencing menopause, such as the Luxe Arousal Oil and the Smooth Water-Based Lube.) 

It’s that time of year again: A time for merry, cheer, and of course, fa-la-laing through finding the best gifts. But as we all know, holiday joy doesn’t mean a completely stress-free time, either. That’s why, every year, we put together a self-care gift guide just for you.

Nearly nine in 10 U.S. adults say something causes them stress during the holiday season. That’s why, during this season, letting yourself and those around you participate in self-care is so important.

Whether you need a gift your lover, friends, family or even a present for yourself, we’ve got a guide to the eight self-care gifts straight from our favorite BIPOC, queer-owned brands, below.

1. Momotaro Apotheca

Ready to ditch an itching, irritated and inflamed vulva? Momotaro Apotheca, a queer-owned vulvovaginal care brand, has just what you (or someone else) might need. We love their best-selling:

• Salve ($37): A certified organic balm for vulvovaginal dryness, itching and irritation that will leave you feeling soothed, hydrated and smell amazing! Since using these, I’ve not had a UTI or yeast infection — after intimacy, sex, wearing tight clothes — all year.

• The Tonic ($48): A vitamin rich oil to nourish and restore sensitive skin. I like putting mine in the bath or using it after I shower to calm my most sensitive areas.

• Probiotic ($35): Formulated to protect, promote, and maintain a healthy vaginal microbiome, this probiotic is.a great addition to any person with a vulva in your life.

2. Night Shift Wax Co.

A woman and queer-owned company, Night Shift Wax Co. is for those who love scents but are sensitive to them.

After suffering from many allergies caused from mass-produced home + body fragrances founder Samantha Cipriani' set out to create a product that was hypoallergenic and plant-based. Upon receiving a certification in perfumery she began formulating scents for natural soy candles and personal fragrance products.

Plus, they’re all cruelty free and clean ingredients! We love these:

• Chai Latte Soy Candle ($17): A tea + coffee house favorite! Capturing the scent of a warm chai latte and filling your home with a beautiful fall fragrance.

• Botanical Rollerball Perfumes ($20): These rollerball perfumes are made with 100% all-natural plant and mineral ingredients - no harmful fillers added.

• Hand & Surface Sanitizer ($11): A luxurious, pretty bottle of hand and surface sanitizer — and it’s all natural and organic.

3. Steamy Lit

Who doesn’t love romance books and vibrators? With Steamy Lit, a woman-founded and latina-owned book subscription service, you can get both! Whether you love diverse romance or you have a good friend who finds her steamy sessions while reading,, we recommend:

• The Steam Box ($60): A one-time box (that can be made into an ongoing subscription) filled with the first book of the quarter, a vibe, and 2-3 other specially curated items that celebrate self-love and embrace your sexuality.

• Buying a book at The Steamy Lit bookstore!

4. Frizz + Co

Have a curly-haired queen in your life? Consider shopping for a perfect self-care gift at Frizz + Co — a BIPOC-owned brand founded by a curly haired woman on a mission to help others embrace their natural hair, too. We love these options:

• the Repairing Hair Mask ($59): the Repairing Hair Mask is specifically designed for curly hair. Formulated with ama-leaf, baobab fruit, vegetable proteins, and amino acids, experience a luxurious, lightweight, creamy texture that revitalizes your curls without weighing them down.

5. The New Savant

This queer, BIPOC-owned candle brand, they aim to craft daring fragrances that transport you to emotional destinations — and be yourself — all along the way. We love these three picks:

California Christmas Candle ($42): Nostalgic, warm and cozy. Top notes of warm desert air, sun-baked sea salt and minerals. A middle of dry patchouli, california oranges and a base of cognac, caramelized sugar and vanilla.

Androgyne Candle ($42): Mysterious, fluid and alluring. Top notes of sea salt, lavender. Middle of rose petals, plum, dewy peony and a base of smoked resin, dark woods and rich incense.

Architect’s Daughter Body + Home Mist ($28): An all-in-one scent solution: a superfine body and home mist is designed to elevate every corner of your world – from your personal scent of the day to a quick refresh of bed linens.

6. Loquita Bath and Body

Who doesn’t love a good bath bomb?! Loquita Bath and Body, a Latina-owned bath and body brand, is top-notch and have great gifts for anyone who is Latina or simply wants to support a Latina-owned brand.

• UNICONCHA BATH BOMB ($9): In their own words, it smells like unicorn caca, a sweet fruity tropical medley of scents.

• ANTI PENDEJADA BATH SOAK ($12): Mija you need a long unwinding soak pa que se te quite lo pendeja Scent: icy wood, a whisper of musk, and noted of vanilla. A sharp scent hopefully will knock the pendejadas out of you

• Coquito Whipped Soap ($13): Made to smell to a tee like authentic coquito from Puerto Rico, this whipped soap will leave your skin feeling clean and refreshed.

7. Oui The People

A body-care brrand that is founded on diversity and inclusion, Oui The People prides itself on honoring your complexities—to say “f*ck that” to perfection. To celebrate your softness and your strength, they champion your journey to doing whatever makes you feel good. Here’s our fave products:

• Body Renewal Set ($35): A skin smoothing, brightening, and hydrating trio in a travel-ready set.

• Hydrating Body Gloss ($65): A lightweight body oil meets serum with antioxidant and skin barrier-boosting ingredients for deep hydration and an instant glow.

• Lactic Acid Body Wash Travel Size ($10): A perfect stocking stuffer! A rich body wash with lactic acid (AHA) that gently exfoliates for smoother texture and even skin tone.

8. Bloomi

Last, but certainly not least, we have to include ourselves in the mix. As a Latina-founded brand focusing on bringing pleasure and intimacy to the forefront of folks lives, we’ve got a few goodies for you to gift, too.

• Caress Full-Body Massager ($65): Caress is a powerful, flexible, body massager designed to relieve tension and stress. The pleasure-ball side allows for full-body stimulation and relaxation.

• Luxe Arousal Oil ($45): Luxe Arousal Oil is a clean, oil-based formula made with plant-derived ingredients that help increase pleasure before and during intimate moments.

• Massage Clitoral Vibrator ($45): Massage Clitoral and Body Vibrator is a powerful, flexible device ranked by Women's Health Magazine as one of the best toys according to intimacy therapists.