Kinky, spicy, sexually free. These days, we live in a time where folks are becoming more open about their sexuality, sexual expression, desires and preferences (yay for us!) But what if you don’t exactly feel you fit into the kinkster category? You might just be more ‘vanilla’ than others and we’re here to remind you: Being vanilla in bed is just as sexy and should be celebrated!
“It [being vanilla] references to not being kinky, which can mean ‘no BDSM’,” Carol Queen, a sexologist at Good Vibes and the curator of the Antique Vibrator Museum tells Bloomi, “And sometimes, it can also eschew more common acts like anal or different positions.”
And sure, being vanilla can overlap with being shy or fearful of exploring, but it should be said that it doesn’t always equate to that. It’s OK to be vanilla in bed, and if you are, it’s nothing to be ashamed of!
With the help and expertise of Queen, we’re here to break down what it means to be vanilla, how to know if you fall into this category, and most importantly, how to feel empowered in your sexuality and identity, below.
How do you know if you’re vanilla in bed?
There are a lot of flavors of ice cream out there. Some days, you might want vanilla, and other days, you might want vanilla with rainbow sprinkles. Some folks prefer chocolate or sherbet. Sex is sort of the same — we all may want and desire different things. And no desired ‘flavor’ is right or wrong.
Knowing if you’re vanilla is pretty simple. If you have no interest in exploring beyond certain sex acts — like maybe your go-to sex move or even oral play — that might point to having vanilla tastes, according to Queen.
However, vanilla can really fall into personal ideas too. For example, some folks would say as long as there is no BDSM but related kink is on the table, then it could still be called vanilla.
What are the stereotypes of being vanilla?
As we said before, being vanilla is nothing to be ashamed of. Of course, though, we understand where that shame might come from. The term vanilla comes with certain stereotypes, like being called old-fashioned, not exploratory, or even uptight and boring.
But all of this is far from the case.
“People who think this way have probably never had really hot passionate sex,” Queen says, “Which is anything but boring!”
Besides, there is nothing old-fashioned or boring about knowing what you like, and sticking to it. If anything, it proves you truly know yourself, and what gets you off (and we approve of that!)
Being vanilla can be empowered — here’s how
If you think you might be vanilla, but you’re nervous about claiming the label as your own, we want to encourage you to think differently about it. When it comes down to it, it’s not a bad thing, ever!
“It is one set of erotic preferences and is as fine to prefer as any other constellation of consensual erotic desires,” Queen explains, “There is nothing negative about being vanilla per se.”
When it comes to feeling empowered in your vanilla desires, Queen reminds us to remember:
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You don't have to have the kind of sex you don't want to have! (Or any sex at all, if you don't want it.)
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Being vanilla can be super-hot and satisfying and there is nothing wrong with that being your basic sexual style.
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If you feel stuck and not terribly comfortable with sex, that calls for learning more about sex in general and possibly seeing a coach or therapist to deal with sexual shame, any trauma history that might underlie the fear, etc.
3 ways vanilla folks can spice their sexual side and still do what feels right to them
We all want to spice up our sex lives now and then (even if identify as vanilla!)
1. Practice clear communication
Before anything, make sure you’re practicing clear communication all around.
“Start by making sure that sexual communication with partner(s) is excellent and that consent practices are clear and always followed, Queen suggests, “If the sex you're having feels fraught or not very pleasurable, there is work to do before you get to the "spice" part.”
If you cannot say no and or be heard and respected, spice and exploration become much harder to embrace.
2. Incorporate sex-positive toys (if you’re comfortable)
At Bloomi, we believe that everyone deserves access to their own pleasure — especially folks who are more vanilla or new into trying out sexual wellness products. If you’re comfortable trying out sex toys, consider our beginner-friendly Massage Clitoral Vibrator ($45), which is great for all gender pleasure. Or if you’re wanting something made for sex and a full-body massage, try our Caress Full-Body Massager ($65).
And vanilla or not, don’t forget to use a great lubricant for maximum comfort and pleasure during sex. Our Smooth Water-Based lube ($15) is a great option for anyone.
3. Learn more about sex
By all accounts, the most helpful thing you can do for your (and your partner’s) pleasure is to learn more about sex.
“Maximize the pleasure you experience through vanilla play. Explore erotic stories (or videos, if you are up for it) to see whether there are activities that are a turn-on and that you might want to try,” Queen says, “As the fabulous Emily Nagoski (and other sex educators) might put it, "pleasure is the measure" as you explore, fantasize, or have any sex at all.”
Learning what is the measure for you — and knowing you can trust your partner to be on the same page —means the door to new sexual experiences may seem to open far more easily.
“There is 100% nothing wrong with being vanilla — nor is there anything wrong with trying new flavors,” Queen adds.
Vanilla is great — and if you do desire, you can play with add-ons: rainbow sprinkles, chopped almonds and maybe even raspberry sauce. Your flavor is your choice.