6 Expert Steps to Reconnect With Yourself and Your Partner
Why fear of intimacy is more common than you think
If intimacy makes you nervous, you're far from alone. Research shows that approximately ~75% of people have some anxiety, and 17-20% of adults experience significant anxiety around sexual closeness. Whether you've been with your partner for years or you're exploring new connections, feeling vulnerable during intimate moments is deeply human.
Intimacy can be one of the most vulnerable experiences we share with another person, which is why it often brings up self-doubt or feelings of being exposed. When we’re emotionally or physically open, it’s normal for old insecurities or body worries to surface.
And contrary to what we might assume, fear of intimacy isn’t always connected to trauma. It can come from everyday experiences - limited sex education, cultural or religious messages about shame, performance anxiety, or simply not learning how to talk about pleasure and boundaries.
The truth is, most of us don’t have good sex education growing up, much less pleasure-forward intimacy education as adults. The good news, however, is that great connection and intimacy are skills that can both be learned.
1. Redefine what intimacy means
Intimacy isn't just about sex. True intimacy encompasses four key dimensions: emotional (sharing feelings), physical (touch and affection), intellectual (deep conversations), and spiritual (shared values and meaning). When you expand your definition beyond the bedroom, you reduce pressure and create more opportunities for genuine connection.
When it comes to sex, connection starts long before you’re in bed. Build it through small, safe moments during the day - a lingering hug, eye contact, laughter, or small acts of care. These gestures help your body release feel-good hormones like oxytocin, making you feel calmer, more present, and ready for deeper connection.
Therapist Esther Perel reminds us that “desire thrives in safety and curiosity.” When you replace pressure with playfulness, intimacy naturally becomes easier.
2. Get curious about your triggers
Fear often shows up when we feel out of control or vulnerable. Notice when you tend to pull away from connection - was it after conflict, stress, or self-doubt?
Start journaling what emotions come up: shame, guilt, anxiety, embarrassment. Naming them helps loosen their power. Simply writing "I felt anxious when..." or "My body tensed up because..." can help you spot patterns and understand what's really happening beneath the surface.
Try the "Anchor and Return" technique: Rooted in trauma-informed sex therapy, this gentle grounding practice helps you stay present when discomfort arises during intimacy. Here's how it works:
- Anchor: Place one hand over your heart or belly - wherever feels most soothing to you
- Notice: Name one physical sensation you can feel right now (the warmth of your hand, the softness of the sheets)
- Breathe: Take three slow belly breaths, letting your exhale be longer than your inhale
- Return: When you're ready, either communicate what you need or gently return to connection
The goal isn't to push through discomfort or force yourself to continue. It's to pause, identify what you're feeling, get grounded, and feel supported - whether that means taking a break, switching to non-sexual touch, or simply letting your partner know you need a moment. Your boundaries deserve respect, especially from yourself.
One important note: If you're experiencing physical pain during sex, that's not something to push through or normalize. Conditions like dyspareunia (pain with sex) are treatable with proper care from a doctor or pelvic floor therapist. Pain is your body's way of asking for help - listening to it is important.
If you've experienced sexual trauma, please know that healing is possible - and it requires enormous compassion toward yourself. Sexual assault is far too common in our society, with 1 in 4 women and 1 in 6 men reporting sexual trauma in their lifetimes. Working with a trauma-informed therapist can help you process what happened and reclaim your sense of safety at a pace that honors your needs. You deserve a loving partner who will be patient and supportive on your intimacy journey, and you deserve to give yourself the same grace. Healing takes time, and you are absolutely not alone.
3. Learn to talk about sex (even if it feels awkward)
Research published in the Journal of Sex Research found that couples who communicate about their sexual needs report 30% higher satisfaction compared to those who avoid the topic. The discomfort of starting the conversation is temporary but the benefits are lasting.
Most of us were never taught how to talk about sex in an effective way, or at all. Start with a few of these phrase ideas to get you started on a great sexual communication foundation:
- “I feel closer when we…”
- “It helps me relax when you…”
- “Something that would make this moment even better is…”
According to research from the Gottman Institute, couples who express emotional needs openly are far more likely to experience lasting sexual satisfaction. If you’re unsure how to start, take our Pleasure Moods Quiz together - it’s a lighthearted way to discover what turns each of you on emotionally and physically.
4. Reconnect with your body
In my experience, many of us are far too critical of ourselves, and that self-judgment can weigh on our body image - especially when we’re naked or intimacy begins. You can’t feel close to someone else if you’re disconnected from yourself. Start by loving on your body with non-sexual acts like scalp massagers, a long post-shower full-body moisturizing session, a breast massage, slow sensual stretching, etc.
Next, move into self-pleasure. This act of self-care, when used regularly, can be a great source of happiness, stress relief, and can also help alleviate pain and depressive symptoms. Consider exploring clean, body-safe pleasure products like plant-based arousal oils or organic lubricants to enhance comfort and sensation during self-exploration. Quality products can transform your experience from mechanical to extra pleasurable.
5. Seek support from a professional
Working through fear of intimacy can feel overwhelming - and that’s okay. If you feel like you need additional support, a certified sex therapist or trauma-informed therapist can help you understand where your fears come from and give you tools to move forward safely.
You can find a trained sex therapist through trusted directories like Octave or AASECT.org.
6. Avoid these common roadblocks
Even with the best intentions, it's easy to fall into patterns that feed into anxiety around intimacy. Here are three common mistakes to watch for and what to do instead.
Carrying childhood shame into adult relationships
Many of us absorbed messages about our bodies, desire, or sexuality from family, religion, or culture that no longer serve us. The antidote isn't to dismiss where you came from, but to consciously decide which beliefs you want to carry forward and which ones you're ready to release.
Trying to push through discomfort without communicating
Your partner isn't a mind reader, and suffering in silence doesn't help either of you - it creates distance. Bringing them into your process by sharing what you're working through turns intimacy into a team effort rather than something you have to "get right" alone.
Avoiding intimacy altogether to prevent anxiety
When we avoid what makes us anxious, we reinforce the fear and rob ourselves of the connection we actually crave. Avoidance might feel protective in the moment, but over time it creates more distress - not less. Start small with low-pressure intimacy like holding hands or cuddling, and gradually expand your comfort zone at a pace that feels manageable. You deserve the pleasure-filled, connected life you're longing for.
What you can do
Fear of intimacy doesn’t mean something is wrong with you - it means you care about connection. With time, curiosity, and support, you can unlearn fear and experience intimacy that feels safe, exciting, and deeply fulfilling.
Take our Pleasure Moods Quiz to discover your unique intimacy profile, or explore Intimate Talk, our sexologist blog, for guided exercises you can start today.
Frequently Asked Questions About Fear of Intimacy
Q: How long does it take to overcome fear of intimacy?
A: There's no universal timeline - everyone's journey is different. Some people notice shifts within weeks of consistent practice, while others need months or longer, especially if working through deeper trauma or shame. What matters most isn't speed, but showing up with curiosity and self-compassion along the way.
Q: Can fear of intimacy be cured?
A: "Cured" isn't quite the right word, because intimacy fears aren't a disease - they're learned responses that can absolutely be unlearned. With the right tools, support, and practice, most people can significantly reduce their anxiety and build the kind of intimate connection they desire. Think of it less as a cure and more as developing new skills and comfort.